Under Titanium Hooves: On the Horizon of Horrific Grocery Robots

Don’t mind those robotic ostrich legs careening down your sidewalk. That’s Cassie. Cassie brings people their groceries and has no ill will toward humanity whatsoever as of now. Cassie was built by Agility Robotics out of Oregon State University. It took 16 months, several nights of inspirational nightmares (probably), and a one-million-dollar grant. Now. Why?

Oh, no real big reason. They just think groceries are such a bummer to carry all the time. At least, that’s what they’re telling the public when videos this horrific get released. And sure, I’d like an ostrich bot to carry my groceries, fine. But then there’s Handlelandscape-1485965131-robot.

Handle is a robot Boston Dynamics has been working on. Footage of this mech beast was just leaked onto the web. It’s basically a bot version of a horse bred with a T-rex… you know for groceries. And if you watch the videos, this motherfucker can JUMP!

Handle is just the most recent unnatural ro-bomination to come out of Boston Dynamics. If you check their track record, they’ve made some (at least visually) pretty unsettling machinery. The thing is, these grants? These multi-million-dollar grants being shelled out to these grocery robot developers? They’re coming from none other than your grocery experts at the US Department of Defense.

So, if you see these pop up at the Sharper Image, remember this warning. Before you find your limbs being plucked from your body by some sort of malfunctioning robotic squid apparatus, just carry your groceries your damned self.

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