Schlock & Gore: 555 (1988)

Wally Koz’s debut (and only) feature is so insipid that I’m not even sure how to begin my review. Fuck it, let’s start with a limerick:

There once was a man named Wally
Who made a movie with so many flaws
People sought to collect it
And gave in to respecting
This rebel Without a Koz

555, or, as I like to call it, Exposition the Movie, is my first review of a movie I would give the label of “unwatchable”. It’s what you get when people with no business making a movie say, “I could do that!” No Wally… no you can’t.

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But to be fair, Wally did. He succeeded in making something infamous. A rental tape many unfortunate viewers picked up on a Friday night after a long day at work. The pizza would arrive, they’d tip the pizza guy, and then they’d pop it in. What hit their eyeballs would be one of the most droll experiences of their lives. Lives that would now be stamped with the word FAIL for even having watched mere minutes of this heap.

“Did I accidentally rent a porno?” They’d ask themselves. No you didn’t, James. A porno has a better grasp of writing. Directing. Acting.
“Was this a made-for-public access movie?” No Timothy, I’m not sure that’s an actual thing. But if it were, this might make the cut.

Stereotypical witness-disbelieving police detectives attempt to chew the overly lit scenery, and that is about all that happens in Wally Koz’s 555. Supposedly there’s a killer and stuff too. I gathered as much when yowling scream dubs that don’t even think about issuing from the victims’ mouths played over images of blood that was splashed onto victims from off screen.

To be fair there are a couple kills in this thing which are decent-looking for a low-budget affair, but they are not worth sitting through the rest of this yarn, especially considering all of the kills are shown again in a recap at the end. You only need to see the last two minutes of this movie to see the good stuff.

The acting is so shameful that you want to see the characters die. That doesn’t happen terribly often. There’s usually something deep down in the cockles of our hearts that is rooting for the protagonist. We the viewers can relate to being a victim, and when our characters die, it’s bittersweet. Not here. No sir. 555 is overacted, underacted, and miscast.

So what is there to like besides a single beheading by machete or a knife in the throat as a hippie kills the fornicating youth? Not much. A couple hilariously delivered lines? Maybe the swirling synth-tones of Frankie “Hollywood” Rodriguez? If you are a collector of z-movie trash like I am, then it’s worth a view, because this movie is bottom tier, and while this movie is infamous for being a collector’s item amongst analog-loving VHS tapeheads, you can buy it on DVD from the wonderful folks at Massacre Video.

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In summation, 555 is boring, hard to sit through, and just so bad that it isn’t even amusing enough to show your friends.

Oh, and as a bonus, I found this review on IMDB defending the film, written by the Koz himself back in 2001.

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You’re not swaying me, Wally. 555 gets

1/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times.

-Rat

 

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