THIS WEEK IN FLORIDA: A Basement on a Hill Special

Florida is the devil’s water carnival, we know this. But the Sunshine State had a particularly sour week:

Quiet Roommate
The Super Bowl was two weeks ago. It was a bummer. The Patriots snatched a perfectly good victory from the Atlanta underdogs, and Mary Ring, a landlady, was shot to death in her house. The assailant and his accessory (to murder) did the terrible deed, but not being super-great planners, they weren’t sure what all to do when the body didn’t just absolutely vanish from existence. The couple pitched body disposal ideas for a while- a two-week while, before folks got suspicious, and the two were caught. They had lived with the victim’s body in her home the entire time.

Sushi
This shark washed up on a beach on February, 18th.  1487660733372Well, that’s only half-true because only half of this shark washed up on a beach. The other half? Chomped off by something that eats fucking sharks. It was probably a great white or some other similar monster. Hell, at this point it could have been a highly evolved, starfish-killing robot. Either way, another reason to avoid oceans.

Child Protection: A Side Hustle
It’s a hard life when your two passions can’t find a way to harmonize. Take, for example, Laymeshia Hicks, whose two favorite-ever-best things are children and a shit-ton of hard drugs. Hicks is- was- an investigator for the Department of Children and Families protective services before she was caught with 68.9 grams of heroin and 288 grams of cocaine in her bedroom. The real nightmare of this story, though, is her fiancé’s name: Xzaiveous. I don’t even know how the hell to begin to make that noise. 1,000 Scrabble points to you, sir.

The House of the Future of 1970
The Xanadu Homes Project was rediscovered yesterday. It was a forest colony built with post-apocalypse in mind, then abandoned shortly thereafter for being weird, kind of impractical, and aesthetically, really fucking off-putting. A road-tripper stumbled upon the houses February 20th. The homes had been left to the all-consuming forces of nature since their construction in the 1970s. Despite looking like a mockup of Carcosa from True Detective Season One, the homes are incredibly well-insulated… because they are made 100% from foam insulation.

Good on ya, FL! Keep on keeping on, just stay the fuck away from the rest of us. Cheers.

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