Schlock & Gore: The Taint (2011)

Okay, um… You know what, just give me a minute to think. This movie had a character named Alligator Fuckhouse, so just look at this picture of generic Spam for a few seconds while I sort my mind out.

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Thank you.

Urbandictionary.com defines the taint as:

1. On a man, the area between the sack and the crack
2. On a woman, the area between the giney and the heinie (sic)

The Taint (2011) defines the taint as tainted water that transforms all men into psychotic and violent misogynists that want to crush the heads of women with giant rocks. Usually while their engorged genitals are hanging out, ejaculating seemingly infinite streams of thick gentleman’s relish.

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The Taint is poetry. It is a tale of overcoming adversity, skipping gym class, extreme head trauma, and exploding penises. Emphasis on those last two. In all honesty, there isn’t much of a story here, and that’s okay. If you picked up this movie it is likely for one of the following reasons:

a. You like Troma films.
2. You want to see lots of gore and absurdity.
c. Some asshole friend is making you.
d. You thought the title was funny.

In each of these situations it is not likely to expect much of a story. Ok, moving on.

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I think the best way to talk about this movie is a “pros-and-cons” or a “by-the-numbers” approach. Aw hell, let’s just do both.

Pros:

1. Writer/director/composer/star Drew Bolduc clearly executed his vision.
2. The music was hella dope.
3. Alligator Fuckhouse.
4. Shirtless 80’s workout montage.
5. Splendid gore effects.
6. Great WTF dialogue, such as “Look, a girl! Let’s gang rape her!”

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Pictured: Alligator Fuckhouse

Cons:

1. There is an animation of a rabbit father getting cut open and mutilated by doctors while the son rabbit watches in despair.
2. Over half of the movie is spent in flashback.
3. Lousy protagonist
4. Film is misogynistic even while making a point about misogyny.
5. Lousy humor

And now a by-the-numbers breakdown:

Instances of breasts – 5
Instances of exploding wangers – 13
Instances of extreme head trauma – 16
Number of women who don’t die – 0

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The Taint has a high rewatchability factor thanks to the effects, the music, and the fact that you won’t want to be alone in dealing with this and will have to show your friends.

7/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times.
-Rat

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