Obtusely Revengeful

We talked about revenge on this week’s episode, and we kicked off the show with a new segment called “The List” wherein Kevin, Brenna and I each rattled off our top five movies about revenge. I thought it would be fun to take a look at another list of movies about revenge, the only caveat being that you wouldn’t necessarily think of these as revenge movies.

1. The Fogtumblr_m5p0l8hxoo1qzr8nao1_1280

This may be the most obvious one. Possibly my favorite Carpenter movie, The Fog isn’t just about the townspeople of Antonio Bay trying to survive the night. Those dead sailors? They’ve returned to even the score.

2. Falling DownWilliam_Foster

I’ve been on a Michael Douglas kick lately, and Falling Down just proves that he doesn’t always have to be the asshole cop with smoldering good looks and a substance abuse problem. William Foster has reached his breaking point, thinking the world is out to get him. Little does the world know, though, that William Foster WILL GET HIS!

3. The Lion King5d93c772890688db70daf2fb6b4ea481

This one may be a bit of a stretch, but hey, it’s my list so piss off (but please continue reading). Simba runs away from home after thinking he’s responsible for his father’s death. What Simba doesn’t realize, though, is that his uncle Scar is the one that REALLY killed his daddy lion. After years of self discovery with a farty warthog and New York Jew meerkat, Simba returns to Pride Rock to exact his revenge.

4. Batman20130731-005007

If you listen to the show at all you know I’m not a comic book guy, so I don’t know every single thing about Batman, so, preemptively, get off my case. As a child, Bruce Wayne witnessed his parents’ murder at the hands of the cretins only Gotham City could produce. After years of training and being rich, Wayne decides to be a life-size bat and rid the city of the street scum the orphaned him.

5. Hocus Pocusgallery-1443216012-binx

This DISNEY movie deals with witches, child murder, and virgins. Already I was sold. Thackery Binx’s sister was murdered by Bette, SJP, and the rotund lady from Sister Act, and was subsequently transformed into an immortal black cat. (Sounds amazing, right?) It’s only when Max the virgin inadvertently summons the witches 300 years later that Binx finally has the chance to avenge his sister’s death.

6. How the Grinch Stole ChristmasDr-Seuss-How-The-Grinch-Stole-Christmas-Gallery-6

The poor Grinch, teased as a child, developed an early hatred for the community of Whoville. After years of living only as a legend in a mountain cave, The Grinch devises a plan to steal Christmas from the jolliest bunch of motherfuckers this side of Seussland, and wouldn’t you know it, he succeeds. Never mind the part about his heart growing three sizes and acceptance, THIS STORY IS ABOUT REVENGE!

7. The Wizard of Oz5c6a5db2dcc4697556a7459fb45e2220

All that green-skinned lady wanted was a continued relationship with her sister. But no, that asshole from Kansas had to come flying in and murder her with, get this, A HOUSE! A gun or acid would not suffice. No, Dorothy needed to make a statement. So, honestly, can you blame The Witch of the West for trying to get her revenge? How would YOU feel if someone killed a loved one with a house?

8. Closercloser-50ff82754a4b7

This is absolutely one of my favorite movies of all time. I don’t know why, though, because it’s one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen. And it’s all about sex revenge. Jude sleeps with Natalie. Then Jude sleeps with Julia. Natalie sleeps with Clive. The Clive sleeps with Julia. Maybe Clive and Jude sleep together? Natalie and Julia? There’s lots of sleeping around for revenge’s sake. But seriously, I love this movie.

9. The Passion of the Christlarge-screenshot2

We could go a couple ways here: 1.) Jesus comes back and shows the world who’s really boss. But I’m going with, 2.) Jesus was stealing the show, so the priests needed to show the world THEY were in charge. With that said, this is absolutely one of the goriest movies I’ve ever seen. These lawmakers, they were just trying to keep a semblance of leadership. This The Holy One shows up and turns the whole world on its head. So they let him have it, in horrific biblical fashion.

10. Twisterd6d09fb0-1f0d-11e4-9963-496794c6e72c_915fbc70-1e8d-11e4-bce3-ef5f3dab984d_helen-hunt

DAMN YOU NATURE! First you take Helen Hunt’s dad and then you nearly kill the crazy (crazy nice) lady with the shit in her trees?!?! Helen Hunt will get hers by way of scientific research. RIP Bill Paxton. RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Now go watch these movies with the thought of revenge on your mind and you may very well see a completely different movie than you’ve ever seen.

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