Original title: Fei tou mo nu
Don’t you just hate when you’re engaged in a prayer ritual and a snake that is spying on you turns into a man and spits out another snake that slithers up under your skirt and into your body causing unfathomable agony in your stomach? And then the man responsible reveals himself saying he can cure the pain with a special potion, but then drinking it curses you so that your head with your entrails attached flies from your body and hunts people to devour each night? And then that same man returns saying he can cure you in exchange for marrying him? Ugh, guys are all the same!
Lucky for you, I’m here with tips to help avoid getting transformed into a penanggalan (flying head-and-entrails demon). Follow the steps below and you will have a 4% better chance of keeping your head on your shoulders.
Step 1: Don’t be Chinese.
I know this one sounds a bit obvious, but like seriously, don’t. As we see in The Witch with Flying Head, penanggalans are native to China, and most people in China are Chinese, so odds are if you are in China, then you are Chinese and are 99.3% more likely to become a flying head witch. Don’t even go near any Chinese cities or countrysides, especially an night. Encountering a flying head witch is almost as bad as becoming one yourself.
Step 2: Never take potions from a stranger.
I know your parents or guardians told you this when you were wee, but it bears repeating. If you ever see a van pull up with “FREE POTIONS” painted on the side, run like the dickens. Those potions are poisonous and could turn you into a flying head witch from a low-budget film! Otherwise they may be poisonous love potions that force you to have sex with the potion vendor as demonstrated later in the film by a different snake demon. So unless the potion is being offered to you by Chris Pratt or Selena Gomez and you want to roll those dice, just say no.
Step 3: Keep a holy man on hand.
Preferably an old, wizened one. Having a holy man around who is attuned to the spiritual world can help immensely. If he fails at identifying the evil before it happens, he can at least jam tubes into your fleshy back to drain most of the poison out. It won’t cure you completely, but it will reduce the frequency with which you transform to feed on humans dumb enough to be out at night when there are flying head witches around.
So let’s say you’ve become an underbite-wielding menace with your guts hanging out. You stalk the Chinese woods to hunt your prey using effects that Georges Méliès would applaud. Now what? You can breathe fire and shoot laser beams from your mouth, or you can marry a man who has been similarly pursued by a magical snake spirit and try not to eat him, and then have a baby and try not to eat it, and enter a whole overplotted soap opera of confusion!
The Witch with Flying Head is a smorgasbord of strangeness and crazy horror/action sequences that I implore you to see at all costs. You can get your very own subtitled copy at http://kingofthewitches.storenvy.com/
Stay slime, and be rad at all times.