Schlock & Gore: Dickshark (2015)

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” -Jurassic Park

You may be thinking this review is a documentary about Shark Tank‘s Kevin O’Leary.

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A1 Dickshark.

You’d be wrong. Dickshark is so much worse.

I feel bad. I’m sure you came here for a fun review. I’m sorry to say that no fun will be had today.

A jar mislabeled “Penis enlargement cream” turns out to be something else. The dick in question becomes claylike and molded into a shark. It gets shot off and flushed down the toilet. It ends up in the sewer system, and eventually a pond, and then the sky as it learns to fly, raping women along the way.

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Would you just look at that font!

Dickshark is beyond stupid and is the most unwatchable thing I’ve seen to date. There isn’t even enough of the WTF-factor to keep the viewer interested, but it probably sounded good on paper. Naked, tattooed women in slow-motion. Very slow motion. As a matter of fact, anytime there wasn’t dialogue, Dickshark was in slo-mo with a death metal track playing. This brought the runtime to nearly 2.5 excruciating hours. The women, most if not all played by pornstars, spend the majority of the film having their breasts fondled by Bill Zebub himself as he waxes philosphic about whatever he finds interesting. I am not exaggerating.

He plays a scientist who apparently always wears jeans and metal T-shirts, and grabs boobies to study why exactly the dickshark (and sometimes a giant spider) rapes women. The rapes are portrayed as humorous. That doesn’t sit well with me. There’s kind of a b-story in this movie too, but it’s shoehorned and inconsequential, doing nothing for anyone.

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Look at this sad sack.

Filmmaker Bill Zebub (get it!?!?) lauds himself as “King of the B Movie”. The “About” section of his website describes his mission statement as defying expectation, expanding consciousness, and being one of the few movie-makers who dares to make something original. It goes on to say that being original doesn’t mean being brilliant, it only means you aren’t copying anyone else. Well, I’ll give him his originality, but he’s right. Brilliant is not a word that describes this man. And just because he could make something original, doesn’t mean that he should have. Hell, the same goes for me reviewing this movie and any of you considering watching it. It is completely unnecessary.

Bill paints himself as sort of a metal Groucho Marx, filling his clunky and awkward dialogue with one-liners and cringeworthy sex jokes. He delivers his dialogue over excessive pantomime, or even ridiculous dancing, presumably to mask the fact that his acting is wooden. He prefers an “organic” style of filmmaking that allows for stutters and unexpected moments, which is obviously an excuse to cover up more line-flubbing.

Admittedly, Dickshark is the first (and hopefully last) Bill Zebub feature I’ve endured, but it is evident from the trailers on the DVD that it’s just more of the same from him. Casting pornstars so that he can grope them while he waxes philosophic, often staring directly into the camera for (intended) comedic effect. I like a little exploitation as much as the next perv, but this grossed me out in a way that wasn’t intentional.

Yet more fun Bill Zebub facts:

According to his website, Bill Zebub has 76 movies with 11 in production (God, why?)

He has no problem throwing around the word “retarded”.

Sets include his own unvacuumed floor!

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And what better place to tan than in the woods!

He considers sexually harrassing his actresses as being bloopers for him to tack on to the end of a film. But they’re pornstars, so it’s okay, right?

If anyone wants to send him a strongly worded email over at billzebub.com odds are pretty good that he’ll read it between takes of his newest and upcoming film, Dicknado.

1/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat

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