HIDE YER DAMN KEYS!

We were lawnmower shopping last month. Upon entering the shop, my four-year-old son scrambled into the seat of one of the display models. Noticing the keys dangling from the ignition, I told him to dismount the machine. The staffer on hand told me not to worry. It’s not like the boy can—and the mower roared to life behind us.
Vehicles are made to be user friendly. Even if you run into a few hang-ups, don’t sweat it, tweens! There’s YouTube. Ever since there have been cars, the news has been speckled with children-driving stories. But two in a week? What the hell is happening?

So this first one. In what was probably a revolutionary act in autonomy and personal freedom, an Ohio eight-year-old drove himself and his sister to, I mean where else, McDonalds for a dang cheeseburger. The kid said he learned the ropes from an educational YouTube vid. The cops found them and I don’t know, probably executed them because their death drugs were about to expire and they didn’t want the purchase to be in vain. #FuckArkansas

mcdonalds-sign

This next one’s insane. In Australia (oh, Australia, I just can’t quit you), a twelve-year-old drove 800 miles across the continent before being pulled over, pulled over because his bumper was dragging, which is just unsafe. I know what you’re thinking: 800 miles means he had to stop and refuel at some point. This means he was seen. Why wasn’t he stopped? Well, this poor 6th grader was about six feet tall. Also, Australia’s country motto is “Haha! Fuck it.”

Parents! Hide your keys.

YouTube! You’re replacing our public school education, and I just don’t know how to feel about that. But good for you.

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