Schlock & Gore: Burial Ground (1981)

DISCLAIMER: The text you are about to read is the first review I wrote for the Schlock & Gore column. I have left it tabled while other, more favored reviews cut in line. It has surfaced to exact its revenge, Sleepaway Camp style! But with no plot and no stakes, I guess we can’t erect a tent. Anyway, here we go!

Bonkers! Never before have I seen a zombie flick where I was so desperate for the shambling dead to win. If director Andrea Bianchi succeeds in anything with Burial Ground, it’s the killing of some of the most inept characters to ever show their stupid faces on celluloid. They move SO SLOWLY and make the WORST decisions, that everytime one of them died, I applauded (I literally applauded, this isn’t hyperbole). The satisfaction is increased by the coolness of these zombies. It’s not the best SFX makeup you’ve seen by any means, but it looks so cool when they are maladroitly shuffling around outside in broad daylight. Their faces appear to be made with papier-mâché and moss. Go shabby zombies! Go!!

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<insert hilarious award-winning caption here (don’t forget)>

Truly, the zombies here are the highlight.

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Peter Bark is a diminutive adult who plays a boy. A creepy boy with a weird haircut and Oedipus complex (That means he wants to bang his mom). Only suiting the 10 year old boy would be obsessed with sex (with his mom) seeing as every other character is putting off get-it-on pheromones. Truly, this movie has two settings: Adults trying to bone, and zombies trying to feast. It’s a sleazy Italian gorefest and that is precisely what makes it so charming. Well, that and the horrendous dubbing.

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I dream of mom jeans
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take

The plot, if there is one (there isn’t) is that a bunch of couples go for a getaway in a mansion, but the dead that slumber in the burial ground on the mansion’s property have recently been disturbed, so they feast. Slowy. I am tempted to petition for Cannibal Ferox’s alternate title of Make Them Die Slowly to be adopted by Burial Ground. What a perfect fit that would be! But I digress…

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*Shamble shamble*

If you are into film oddities like me, then this is a blu-ray you must add to your collection. Severin films put out the definitive edition recently, and I highly advise snagging a copy. Reel rats rejoice, for the barrel is being scraped in indomitable fashion!

I recommend watching this one with friends MST3K style. Now go forth, and gorge!

8/10

Bonus images:

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Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat

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