The Bastard Step-Children of Jaws

On this week’s episode we dove into the shark-infested waters of Steven Spielberg’s classic Jaws. A movie so ingrained in pop culture, a movie such as Jaws will undoubtedly have numerous rip-off versions. There’s nothing worse than a bad animal attack movie, and below you’ll find a list of seven shark movies (non-SyFy movies, even!). And let’s be honest with each other: we’re probably not going to watch these.

Aatank, 1996

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Have you ever had a hankering for a Bollywood shark attack movie? Well then have I got the film for you. I for one am a huge fan of musicals. Bollywood? Not so much. According to the footage I saw, this is the most plastic/papier-mâché shark I’ve ever seen. There is a scene where it looks like a stagehand literally picks up the toy shark and just tosses it into the water to simulate the shark jumping. Other scenes involve actual toys. Not props or models. Real life toys that were bought at a local flea market. And I think the shark yells – it wasn’t entirely clear to me. Either way, I would actually probably watch this. Oh no, not by myself, of course. There would have to be several people and copious amounts of alcohol.

Creature, 1998

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The commercial for this ABC miniseries literally opens like this: “The author of Jaws, Beast, and The Deep joins forces with the man who created the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park…” The producers are thinking: “We need to find SOME way to tie Benchley back to Spielberg. Hmmm… Wait! Didn’t one of the guys on set at JP work for us on this?” In Creature, the government created a shark-man humanoid thing and now it’s escaped. It’s up to Coach and Samantha to stop it. I’m sorry, Craig T. Nelson and Kim Cattrall. I will say, though, this makes me yearn for the TV movies of yesteryear. Even 20 years ago network execs said, “Let’s put a shark-man movie on at primetime. It’ll kill in ratings!”

Cruel Jaws, 1995

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[girl in wheelchair falls into water] [shark eats helicopter] I assume these were actually written in the script… and then made it into the movie. The filmmakers of Cruel Jaws (a.k.a. The Beast) famously stole footage from several Jaws movies, Deep Blood, and Great White, and inserted them into their movie. During certain moments while watching the trailer you might think: man, some of this looks really good! And then you realize those moments were the shots stolen from other, better movies. The stolen footage even fucked things up for Scream Factory, who was planning on doing a double feature Blu-ray release.

Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws, 2015

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Please tell me this is a comedy. Wait, it’s not? You’re kidding me! Sad to say, I missed the first Ghost Shark (the two aren’t even related). But, according to the trailer I watched, there are no ghosts or sharks or ghost sharks in Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws. The mayor of a New Zealand city enlists the help of a ghost shark hunter (yes, that’s right) to spare their city from the evil that is Ghost Shark. Ok? Ok. Moving on.

Jurassic Shark, 2012

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Sitting at 1 hour and 15 minutes, I would assume Jurassic Shark is one hour too long. I urge you to watch the trailer and see for yourself the exceptional graphics. A megalodon is accidentally unleashed by an oil company, “trapping a group of art thieves and a group of young female college students on an abandoned island.” I couldn’t even come up with my own summary based on what I saw.

Shark In Venice, 2008

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Imagine Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Jaws had a baby. (You need three to make a baby, right?) That baby would obviously be Stephen Baldwin. Now, when Stephen Baldwin goes to Italy, the first stop is always Venice. The beautiful women, the romantic gondola rides down the canals, the hidden treasures beneath said canals, the killer sharks guarding the hidden treasures, the assassins chasing you down alleyways and on speedboats. You guys! Does this not sound like the perfect movie or what!?!?

Super Shark, 2011

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Jimmie Walker is the selling point here. Well, that’s how the producers were pushing it at AFM in 2011. Have you ever wondered if there were movies so bad, even SyFy or Spike (or whatever it’s called now) wouldn’t show them? I believe Super Shark would fit into that category. A megalodon is awakened (yet again) and attacks the residents and beachgoers of Los Angeles. The only way to beat it is by blowing it up from the inside. Look at the poster. It’s cool, right? (Well, 10-year-old boy cool, but still.) The movie is NOTHING like the poster.

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