Schlock & Gore: Stabbed in the Face (2004)

Right off the bat, I’d like to commend this film on its title and cover art. Just take a look at it!

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May contain nuts. And boobs. Okay just boobs.

Stabbed in the Face is my first Terror Optics experience. Terror Optics is a studio, similar to the likes of Troma. But I don’t want to misrepresent them, so here’s how they describe themselves on the facebook:

“New Orleans based independent filmmakers with a sick sense of humor. Creators of Attack Of The Cockface Killer, Stabbed In The Face, Sneaky Pete, Goregasm, Creepy Dean, Smelly Greaser” etc… “Horror, Comedy, Punk, Metal, Sex, Death…”

Their films are recently starting to be released by Wild Eye releasing under their “Raw” series.

Now that I’ve got that baloney out of the way, let’s actually talk about the flick.

Stabbed in the Face is a frenetic tempest of excrement. I don’t think they’d mind me saying that. See, while the movie is very, um, independent, it still carries with it a flavor. It tastes good. It’s like when you find out the secret ingredient in your favorite food was just love all along. Only here it’s punk rock and exaggerated characters.

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I never got to do sex.

So I’m going to call this edition of Schlock & Gore: Cooking with Rat, with your host, me! Rat!

Today I’ll be teaching you how to make the tasty low-budget slasher. This one is called Stabbed in the Face. It’s a soup.

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Step 1: Prepare your ingredients. You will need:
1 Tired premise
1 Halloween night
1 generic killer
a pinch of expendable victims
2 flavor packets (provided by Terror Optics)

Step 2: Start by bringing your premise to a boil. That heavily trod territory of kids looking for a spooky time on Halloween in a remote location where they can get high and screw before getting picked off, one-by-one. It’s a premise only an extreme diehard or filthy casual could appreciate. I fall into both categories as a filthy diehard, so it’s my specialty.

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Step 3: While you are waiting for that to boil, introduce your characters. Preferably via a house party that occurs the night before Halloween. If you can fill the house with punk rock by a band called “The Poots”, then cut the party into a montage in such a way that your audience almost feels drunk watching it, then I commend you on successfully adding flavor packet #1! Use actors who also double as the film crew. Not only will this save you bookoo Benjamins, but it is also just the norm in these type of low-budget productions.

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Tastes like oriental!

 

Oh, and make sure the characters they play are joyfully detestable! Even the nerdy character you are supposed to be sorry for should turn into an intolerable baby. Your audience will be relieved by the fact that your characters are so detestable, as it means they can root for their onscreen deaths without any guilty conscience! The good news here is that none of the ingredients need to be fresh. The more stale, the better. The jock, the freak, the slut, the virgin… they’re all welcome here! Stir the mixture. Insert flavor packet #2.

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Step 4? I lost count: Next pour in the killer, stirring while you do so. It may turn out that the killer becomes two or three separate entities, and that’s okay. The generic killer will be a concentrate of pre-blended tropes and murders. Bam in those victims Emeril Lagasse style and turn the killer loose!

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*enlarged to show texture

If you have made your low-budget slasher successfully you will get notes of carnage, boobage, poor lighting, and questional dialogue. I like to make mine a little boob-heavy up front, and take it easy on the bad-lighting. Alas, sometimes substitutions are necessary to complete your meal.

Congratulations! This is sustenance! The low-budget slasher! The backbone of independent horror! Stabbed in the Face certainly isn’t original, but you’ll probably still finish the whole thing. It’s comfort food.

5/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat

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