HIDE YER DAMN KEYS!

We were lawnmower shopping last month. Upon entering the shop, my four-year-old son scrambled into the seat of one of the display models. Noticing the keys dangling from the ignition, I told him to dismount the machine. The staffer on hand told me not to worry. It’s not like the boy can—and the mower roared … More HIDE YER DAMN KEYS!

Excuse Me. I Believe You Dropped Your REVENGE!!!!

Lucky Number Slevin: Written by Jason Smilovic. Directed by Paul McGuigan. Starring: Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley, Lucy Liu, and Stanley Tucci. It’s a blurry line between confidence and arrogance. Slevin is arrogant about how confident it is. This movie is so full of itself it’s almost inside-out. But there’s plenty of … More Excuse Me. I Believe You Dropped Your REVENGE!!!!

WHAT is the DEAL with These ORPHANAGES???

A few years ago, some historians and investigators started looking into the Irish Catholic hellscape formerly known as the Bon Secours Home for Women and Babies. Some discoveries are finally being revealed: Imagine a factory that produces sunshine and babies en masse. Now imagine the opposite of that, and that is what they found; the … More WHAT is the DEAL with These ORPHANAGES???

THIS WEEK IN FLORIDA: A Basement on a Hill Special

Florida is the devil’s water carnival, we know this. But the Sunshine State had a particularly sour week: Quiet Roommate The Super Bowl was two weeks ago. It was a bummer. The Patriots snatched a perfectly good victory from the Atlanta underdogs, and Mary Ring, a landlady, was shot to death in her house. The … More THIS WEEK IN FLORIDA: A Basement on a Hill Special

Under Titanium Hooves: On the Horizon of Horrific Grocery Robots

Don’t mind those robotic ostrich legs careening down your sidewalk. That’s Cassie. Cassie brings people their groceries and has no ill will toward humanity whatsoever as of now. Cassie was built by Agility Robotics out of Oregon State University. It took 16 months, several nights of inspirational nightmares (probably), and a one-million-dollar grant. Now. Why? … More Under Titanium Hooves: On the Horizon of Horrific Grocery Robots

Naked Man in Woods: Slow Start to Revolution By Jeremy Johnson

On the 33-degree morning of January a 16th, a motorist noticed a naked man walking through the woods, like a lightly shaved sasquatch, next to the Iowan highway. The motorist asked the nude dude if he needed help- logical- and in response, the guy just fucked off into the forest. Fine? So the motorist called … More Naked Man in Woods: Slow Start to Revolution By Jeremy Johnson